Working at Bringing Life

I've spoken to several people experiencing transition, enlisting my help to develop a strong corporate wardrobe. While it's a pleasure, there's one thing that's stood out to me about some of those requests, so much so that I want to address it here. That "something" is the way fashion defines how we carry our femininity in the work place.

So get some cookies and milk, and settle in for story-time. :)

Years ago when I lived in Boston, I was offered a job as an Executive Assistant. I love dressing up for work, so I was excited to build a professional wardrobe. My journey revealed a pressure in my mind, however, of wanting to be sure that all I wore was "work-appropriate." Interestingly, appropriate never meant dress-code worthy; it meant fitting cultural norms. We're told that, the more powerful we want to appear, the more our clothing should represent men's clothing while diminishing gentleness. This becomes a slippery slope into becoming "strong" while losing the nurturing heart that women carry so well.

This isn't to say strength opposes kindness. Rather, the way our corporate world defines strength opposes kindness.

So, in my effort to keep from losing myself in the process, I asked God what unique qualities I bring to the workplace. One morning, He revealed something beautiful to me. Our team was heading to our annual NYC-based board meeting, but I felt compelled that morning not to wear the usual business suit. It's like my eyes were newly opened, and I saw strength in what I carry. So I opted for a sleeveless turquoise cowl neck, a flowy white skirt and a brown braided-leather belt. I remember feeling within myself how the bold colors and soft fabrics spoke strength without forcefulness, beauty without compromised dignity, and gentleness without passivity. Once we arrived, I could feel the environment shifting in the board room. I knew God was ushering in healing and kindness within one of the country's largest and oldest companies!

So, what does the real you bring? It's easy, especially in this season, to see what we lack as a nation. But what would you bring if your clothes spoke of your true strength, unhindered? Step out, and you may find yourself embodying the change you long to see in your world!

Learning How to Be Beautiful

As a child, I had an easy time with the concept of beauty. I created fun outfits, liked my hair, and generally felt special. But as I got older and began watching movies and reading magazines, my idea of "beautiful" was taken over by the concept of being "datable." I was now trying to fit into a construct that was superimposed and dictated by values I didn't hold.

One day during my homeroom class in seventh grade, a boy asked me an odd-yet-thought-provoking question. He said, "If you were a guy, and you knew a girl like you, would you be interested in her?" I was surprised to discover that my answer was, "No." It wasn't that I felt unattractive, per se. I just didn't fit the concept of "attractive," or overly sexual and superficial, that I'd learned from society. I was a person of substance who loved studying, dancing, and deep intellectual conversations. I didn't see many examples of brilliant, gentle women who were deemed attractive by men, so I didn't feel like I fit into that world. I was open to relationships and all; I just didn't think I could be desirable without changing a bit to please a guy.

The truth is that changing anything about ourselves to become "attractive" is too high a price to pay for relationship. The world needs women to be 100% themselves, with all the nurture, strength, and unique glory that we carry in our femininity! A broken version of femininity breaks the world around us.

So how do we help girls to know the difference between our culture's broken view of beauty and the genuine expression of it? I believe it has everything to do with who we allow to influence our girls. Are they feasting on Youtube and movies that teach them to spend more time on their makeup than their character? Are they learning how to "get" a guy (aka manipulation) instead of how to love people really well? Or, are they spending their time around strong adults with healthy relationships, absorbing messages about love that's pure and whole?

Let's give our girlies the best of the best messages. Be the voices in her world helping her define pure romance so she can dump the lies and run in freedom!

Loving Her Skin: The Power of Words

Words can light candles in darkness or set flames that burn lives down.

I remember loving everything about myself as a little girl. When I was about three, I used to think my curly hair was so pretty. I liked what I saw in the mirror, and I never had reason to question it. Well, until I started Kindergarten. There were two of us named Stacey, and our little friends differentiated by calling us "White Stacey" and "Black Stacey." I never thought of myself as "black," especially because the very word sounds weird to a child. Brown, sure, but black? Ummm...no one on God's green earth is black. Charcoal is black, not people. Between this instance and media messages, I began feeling like I wasn't seen as equal in terms of beauty. Although my family told me I was beautiful as-is, there's something about one's society using such descriptions that made me feel unseen and misunderstood.

As I got older, though, God began to extract the barbs from my heart and to pour on His healing love. He began to speak over my physical appearance with words of life! In high school, he had me overhear the guy I was dating describing how beautiful he considered a woman's smooth brown skin. Then, in my 20's, God had me read a series of books that further changed my thinking. The plot centered on an African American man and woman who were falling in love. The author used such luscious language to describe them, such as "smooth cocoa skin" or "chocolate brown."

Does this mean identity is all about outward beauty? No. But we can't discount the role of descriptive racial language in a child's growth. The Bible explains that life and death are in the power of the tongue, and media messages are a spoken word! In my own story, God was so brilliant as to heal with rhetoric that which was deposited with rhetoric.

Now as an adult, my identity is anchored in the God who loves me so well. Still, I am well aware that the way we speak over our girls can go deep. I remember babysitting for a sweet little Indian girl in New York City when this issue raised its head. We were reading books one day when she pointed to a picture of a blonde Barbie. She said she wanted to have blonde hair because it was pretty. I told her that her brown hair and brown skin were pretty, too! She didn't agree, and it took time to explain to her four-year-old heart that she really is special.

So here's the take-away. If there are girls in your care, whether they are daughters, nieces, students, etc., invite words into her realm that bring life. Especially for parents, protect her world from lies, especially from media. The enemy can be so subversive! Even in programming produced to promote diversity, the most important (and intelligent or virtuous) characters are usually white. Oftentimes, the other characters have little to offer, which speaks volumes to a child. No matter what her race, she needs truth with regard to how people are portrayed. Of course, she will go out and hear lies at times, but you speaking truth before the lies come equips her to discern trash from treasure. Once you attune her to God's truth about herself, get ready to watch her soar!

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Check out Cupcakes & Couture, our workshop that helps girls develop their style based on true identity!

Symbolism Still Has Meaning Whether You Know it or Not

When I was about 3, I was sitting around our living room contemplating. I remember looking at my fingers and thinking how I had often pointed with my pointer finger, but not so much with my middle finger. Little innovator that I was, I decided to take this less traveled road by pointing said middle finger at my older brother.

His five-year old eyes widened as he said, "That means something bad!" I kind of laughed and asked him what it meant. I do not think he knew, exactly. But I decided from there forward to simply take his word for it.

This makes me think about the way we express ourselves, namely through fashion, recalling that trends begin in the hearts and minds of designers and become a language through which we express ourselves. But what were these symbols initially designed to say? Do we know? Some say it does not matter, because we give them our own flavor. To some degree this is true. But let's not forget that we are only 50% of our personal communication loop. In other words, we use our clothing to say one thing, but people may see another. Are people picking up what we're putting down? Had I continued misusing my middle finger, I may have found that not everyone counted it unoffensive.

So is it worth it to play an active role in communicating with others through your wardrobe? Yes! Recognize your point of view and what you want your wardrobe to express. Use the raw materials of color, cut, fabric, etc., and go from there. You have a point of view, and people need to hear it!

And of course, if you're not sure what this looks like, let Stacey's Styling help!

Investing Means Keeping

The other day at work, something quite telling happened. I was texting on my iPhone SE when one of my coworkers walked by. He glanced at my phone, which is (*gasp*) over three years old! He said, "What kind of phone is that?!" He then alerted the younger ladies in my department, saying, "Girls, you've gotta get on this!" I explained to them that I refuse to throw out a $400+ investment (for which I paid cash) that still functions beautifully. There's no logic or reason to doing so.

Wasting is especially easy when you can just borrow someone else's money to finance everything. Then, what does it matter if you toss out $400? It's not even yours! By that logic, getting the latest phone each year makes sense when your priority is to stay with the trends. So it's easy to take things for granted, and to treat flippantly what is actually quite expensive or precious.

Let's not forget that overspending will cost someone, even if it isn't you.

I know my coworker was only kidding (sort of...), but what he said sums up a common spirit of our day:

When something (or someone) stops being entertaining and shiny, throw it out. Don't bother to fix or maintain; just replace. It won't cost you much, but you may overlook how much you're hurting others who are paying for your neglect.

It sounds obvious, but it's worth considering whether or not there are places in your life that reflect this mindset. Friendships get difficult, romantic relationships become overwhelming, family stops doing what you need them to do. It's not easy, and I'm not belittling hardship. But relationship goes both ways, and walking with people during tough times matters. This doesn't mean you let people trample you, but it does mean you don't throw people away when you're not sure what to do. The more you toss people aside, the more you will lose your ability to empathize. You will also lose gentleness, without which you'll be unable to benefit those who struggle. People walking in true power are those who can help others move forward in their lives. After all, what is the point of having people in your life who cannot help you, and whom you cannot help? Otherwise, what are your friends and family besides cheap entertainment?

Your life is bigger. Invest your heart into your relationships, and you will see a return. Perhaps you've tried to, and you've been so broken down that you don't have the energy to try again. I've been there. Ask God to heal your heart. Then ask Him to revive you. Soon, you will experience a spiritual refreshment that enables you to see breakthrough with others! God's power in you will bring interpersonal peace and healing, and the words you speak will take you into deeper connection when you refuse to abandon loved ones in their weaknesses.

This new year, this 2020 season, let God's sweet love give you the strength to invest in your relationships again. Remember why you first connected with the people in your life, and be willing to spend time, energy, and strength making it work. Let God be the wind in your sails, and even if it takes time, watch amazing connection break forth like never before!

Happy investing!

Why Don't You Love Mondays? Part 1

So you've enjoyed your weekend. Perhaps you slept in, had sweet time with family and friends, or got some much-needed laundry done. Sunday evening is coming to an end, and it's time to think about your coming work week. What's going through your mind? Boredom? Dread? Or, are you super-excited to get back to continuing to live out your dream? If you said anything other than the last statement, why?

There could be a number of reasons work isn't a place of thriving for us, but in this post I want to highlight purpose and passion.

There are typical "Monday" quotes that have become common:

My weekend was good, but too short.
I can't wait until Friday.
I have a case of the Mondays.
Sometimes I get out of bed, only thinking how I look forward to returning to bed later.

People have become so accustomed to saying these things that we laugh or shrug when we hear it. But think about it how it undermines self-worth. Doesn't your life have meaning? You were meant to live for a purpose! Having a job exists so that you can contribute who you are to society, because it would be tragic for the world to miss out on you! Work should be fun, rewarding, and something you look forward to!

So why take a job that you hate, simply because you need a paycheck? Why spend the majority of your time doing something that feels like slavery, and only living for the evenings and weekends? So much of it has to do with what we learn about work. We learn that the desired end-goal is money. That's a pretty cheap goal! Would you sell your body for money? If the answer is no, then why sell anything else? Why sell your time to a job that doesn't utilize your talents?

Don't forget that you have talents and passion for a reason. It's not icing on the cake; it is the cake! When you do the things that make you come alive, you serve others around you powerfully! If you're a natural as a public speaker, a musician, a designer, etc., you are desperately needed! There are people out there who will not step into the fullness of what God has for them because you refuse to release what's in you.

Let's take a step into living out your truest self this year! You may be in a situation where it would take a  big shift for you to walk into this. Maybe you need another degree, extra time, etc. to make it happen. Guess what? Nothing is impossible with God! He opens doors for scholarships, volunteers who can help, great mentors, and amazing job opportunities! Be blessed this year as you begin to love your Mondays!

Letting Love In

During my first summer in Redding, CA, I was giving a new acquaintance a ride somewhere. It was blazing hot, as in, over 100 degrees! We get into the car, and she understandably complains of the heat. The AC is on, and it's getting cooler as we move. She reaches over and turns the AC on high, saying it's way too hot. I tell her she can feel free to control the vents in front of her seat, which were actually closed. She opens the vents, but still complains. But here's the reality of the situation. She was wearing a long sleeved button up shirt, jeans, and sneakers with socks!

Why do I tell you this? It illustrates how we sometimes navigate our environments relationally. I'm sure we've all been there. We feel unseen, rejected, misunderstood, etc., believing our feelings have resulted from the people and things around us. We're tempted to imagine that our experience is accurate, but how does our perception of reality play into it?

Now first off, let's establish that this isn't about blaming you for your pain. Rather, it's about finding the root of the problem so you can be free. Anyway. Sometimes the environment is the issue. But is there any part of it that we can fix? In this case, my friend could have started by opening her air vent. She also could have worn something summer-ready as she knew it would be hot. There's no doubt that a tank top, shorts and sandals would have had her feeling cooler from the start.

Like my friend's clothing, it's our defense mechanisms that may distort our perception of others. Like turning up the AC, we turn up our sarcasm, mistrust or harshness when we're unsure whether or not people will like us, intensifying the smallest offenses and demanding people's compliance. Or, we surround ourselves with only people that agree with us because we don't trust that others will love us when we disagree. In other words, we build up excessive "comforts" to compensate for the walls around our hearts. We blame others for how uncomfortable we are, not knowing that approaching others with an open heart may show us that they actually do accept us. Even if they don't, our freedom can lead them into love if we choose not to disconnect!

That said, let's also not overlook yet another important factor: there is a reason we sometimes cover up even when we know it's hot. Perhaps past abuse has written shame into us, so the idea of removing the layers makes us feel vulnerable in the worst way. Maybe all we know is that we hate wearing tank tops and shorts, but we aren't sure why. In the same way, we may be unsure why we experience our environment as hostile even when it's not.

But have no fear, beloved of God! Each one of you is so precious in His eyes, and He knows why you have the safety mechanisms you do! He didn't come to judge you or to point out your mistakes, but to set you free! If you have protective layers over your heart, I encourage you to do what I do when God shows these things to me. Go to a quiet place where you can be alone with God. Ask Him why you feel the way you do, and listen. Even if you've never heard Him talk to you before, try it, because He'll meet you there. Then ask Him how He wants to heal you. Accept His love! Even if you don't hear anything right away, know that He hears you and is healing your heart!

As He removes the layers, you'll find so much greater freedom, intimacy, and peace! Enjoy!