Friendship Booty Call

One Friday evening during my Sophomore year of college, I decided to just hang around my dorm and relax. In the middle of my restful evening, however, a girl from my campus fellowship group called and asked if I wanted to go frat party hopping with her. That had been a regular pastime of mine Freshman year, so I said yes. I loved dancing, and I liked the idea of going with someone I knew wasn't there to drink or hook up.

So we went to our parties, but she said something quite telling as she dropped me off at my dorm afterwards. She said, "I'm so glad you were home and that you wanted to hang out. I couldn't find anyone else. And whenever that happens, it makes me feel like I don't have enough friends. So thanks for coming."

Wow. And here I thought she wanted to hang out with me. In truth, she was just wanting to be entertained, and anyone would have done the trick. That was the general tone of that relationship, so nothing really became of it.

But this is not uncommon! It's also not friendship. This, brothers and sisters, is what you call the Friendship Booty Call. Sorry to give it such a crass name, but nothing else describes the self-centeredness and dehumanization of it quite like these words.

What do I mean? Essentially, we can view friendship as an activity rather than an ongoing investment in loving a human being. We feel alone, so we surround ourselves with people who will make us feel better. It's the weekend and we don't want to feel unpopular, so we call whoever will give us a sense, albeit fleeting, of companionship.

But is that really what friendship is? Is it about just finding muses who will entertain us? Is it an escape from being alone? Or is there something much richer?

The truth is that, yes, we were made for companionship. But that's not all! If that were true, a dog or cat would fill our needs just fine. The truth is that a companion is not simply someone else in the same vicinity. It's a person with whom we can connect. That's really what we are after anyway, isn't it?

And what, pray tell, is connection? It's a matter of the heart. It's desiring to be with a person, understanding her on a deeper level, and knowing how to care for her in a way that's meaningful to her (not just to ourselves). Then love begets love. It's like how when a parent loves a child effectively, that child desires to obey and honor that parent. That desire isn't the result of control, fear, or manipulation, but of love. It's a natural result. In the same way, the flow of care and honor goes between friends not because both are using each other to meet a need, but because both are willing to give love. If both are giving, both are receiving!

So don't fall for the cheap counterfeit of just getting your needs met. It's sometimes hard to discern whether or not you're doing that, and it's so common. So there's no shame. But it's worth pondering. If you simply collect muses, you are scattering your heart and not even truly connecting. Consider that you can't fill an empty cup from another empty cup. And if you use a full cup to fill an empty cup, someone's still gonna end up empty! But if you both come with what you have, willing to contribute and receive, you'll both share an abundance!

So cut loose the escaping from loneliness, and begin to pursue true friendship. Sometimes there are reasons why we only search out the counterfeit (past hurt, fear of rejection, wanting others to define who we are), but there's an app for that. Ask God to heal you so you can have real relationship. Then, get ready for connection and love beyond your wildest dreams!