I think back to my first ever best friend. I was in kindergarten, and we met on the first day of school during After School Care. We had the same first name, and we both had brothers of the same age with, you guessed it, the same first name! It was so crazy, we decided it had to be destiny. Sadly, we weren't a great combo. I was fearful and compliant while she was controlling and unkind. When I said no to her requests, she would say, "You have to!" I didn't want to displease her, so I usually did whatever she asked.
Thankfully, I got to know other little girls and began spending more time with them. Friendship with First-Bestie quickly fizzled, and I felt more free to be myself.
The way we decided to become friends was funny and seemed trivial, but how different are our methods now that we are adults?
Perhaps because our culture focuses on sexual relationship more, I think the twistedness of the way we relate as friends tends to go unnoticed. But knowing how and when to invite people into our lives actually affects all kinds of relationships. So let's talk about it. 😃
You may be wondering if this really is a problem, and if so, what it looks like. Here are a few media examples. For one, I saw an ad the other day about movers. It portrayed a young man in his 20's, calling his friends and asking them to help him move. They all made excuses and lied so they didn't have to help. The voice over said, as if knowingly, that this moving company is there to help since your friends aren't. I thought, "How sad! Is this really the norm for that many people?" My friends gladly help me, and I am happy to do the same for them. Then there was the joke in the movie, "Julia and Julia," where she reflectively said that she doesn't even like most of her friends. Wow! Then, why be friends with them? Perhaps she feels she has no other options?
In truth, though, I can identify. I have walked through quite a season in the last 10 years or so, of examining the meaning of friendship. What draws me to certain people, and why do certain negative patterns take place? I can remember times in college when in all honesty, there were people I called "friends" with whom I wasn't comfortable. They were critical and arrogant, because I was insecure and tended to seek people's approval. Naturally, I drew people who for whatever reason felt responsible for telling me who I was and criticizing me when I fell short of their ideal. Human hearts weren't meant to relate that way, so naturally, I didn't want to be around them.
So what should friendships look like? Should all of our friends be exactly like us? Should they be people around whom we are so "comfortable" that we never let them tell us the truth even if we don't want to hear it? Should they simply be people who are there to entertain us? Or is there something more?
The answer is that companionship is a gift given to us so we don't have to live alone. Life is a team sport. Not only can we accomplish nothing significant alone, but we also have an emotional need to support and be supported. Ever notice how a hug or a word of encouragement makes all the difference in the world?
So here are a few questions to ask about the close friends in your life:
1. Understanding: Does this person understand me on a deep level, or does it seem like they trample all that I consider sacred? Or do they mean well, but they really don't understand my perspective in a way that makes them relatable?
2. Desire: Does this person really want to be a part of my life, or am I the one making 90% of the effort in this relationship?
3. Maturity: Does this person have the maturity to be the kind of friend she says she wants to be? Some people make big claims, but there are things in their lives that make it hard to live out. For example, I've known sweet people who really want to hang out, but their poor time management and inappropriate boundaries make it hard. They end up talking about getting together, but they never follow through. When I have a need, I can't rely on them to be there for me.
So take a look at your close relationships, and take stock. Recognize that you were made to have awesome relationships, and that letting go of the bad ones doesn't mean you'll end up alone. Take it from someone who has moved to new cities twice in the last 4 years! The people who mesh best with you DO exist. You need them in your life, and they need you. Go out and do the things you enjoy, and meet people in the process. Join special interest groups and find those with similar passions. Ask God to help you find those who are healthy friends for you, and get excited! If you've been feeling lonely in a crowd of friends, shake off that season and prepare for a new day!
Happy friending. 😎
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