When I was in college, there was this guy I'd befriended through my church. He was nice enough, but it was plain to me at the beginning that we weren't exactly kindred spirits. But around second semester, he started acting pretty interested. I caught him pointing me out to his friends one day, and he stared at me constantly.
My feelings towards him started changing. I started telling myself I was judging him unfairly, and that maybe I should get to know him better. I did, and I started becoming more and more interested. He paid so much attention to me, and I drank it up like a thirsty flower.
He was pretty nice, but there were many ways in which we just didn't connect. Even when he would laugh and make irrelevant remarks when I approached deeper topics of conversation, or he'd demean the things that interested me, I still believed he was the right person to invite close to me.
The short of it is that it never went anywhere, and I ended with the same conclusion at which I started: we were not kindred spirits.
What I want to address is not so much that we weren't kindred spirits, but the actual things that made me think we were. I had my ideas back then about reading people, especially guys. Most of it had to do with body language, flirty behavior, etc. It was basically all the things Google tells us about attraction: he stands really close to you, he wants to spend lots of time with you, he stares at you, etc. While this is true about how you can perceive someone's physical attraction, it has NOTHING to do with love!
I remember when I was in the middle of all this, I would talk my poor brother's ear off about how I could know what he was thinking, why he was doing these things, etc. He was always like, "Why do you think he's interested just because he stares at you? That has nothing to do with how he feels." Now I understand, but at the time I didn't get it. Clearly he stares because he's attracted. Wasn't that the same thing as being interested?
Thankfully, I was thrown for a loop right in the middle of the whole deal. One of my very good friends, whom I would have never thought was interested, confessed that he enjoyed being with me and wanted to pursue more than friendship. I was stunned! He never stared, stood in my personal space without being invited, or flirted at all! How could it be? He was, however, very encouraging, humble towards me (i.e. he didn't insist on getting his own way), and was genuinely interested in what I had to say. He treated me like a dignified person, not a piece of cute entertainment. Even though we didn't pursue anything, we are still friends (his wife and kids included!) 11 years later!
So why was I drawn to the guy who supposedly liked me?
Well, it all had to do with what I thought I needed. I think people will perceive as "love" whatever it is they think they lack. I really longed to be seen. Sure, I'd grown up going to an arts school, and as a performer, I was seen all the time. But that's the thing: when you train your heart to perform for others, you get good at only showing what you want them to see.
Also, as a very young child, I was taught that certain things about me (my unique perspective, my propensity to be goofy and therefore un-lady-like in public, and my disagreeing with people) were unacceptable. Mine was to be pretty and to appease people. The problem is, when you stuff traits about yourself, they will try to come out at some point. And if you don't feel free to allow them, their evil twins will come out instead! Offering my unique perspective became arrogant enforcement of my own opinion on those who disagreed. Sense of humor became my looking down on people who just "didn't get" my jokes. And of course, longing to be seen became falling into the arms of anyone who seemed to "see" me, even if they only wanted to use me for their pleasure.
There's so much more freedom than this, though! No human can tell you who you are. God knows the nooks and crannies because they look like His nooks and crannies! You came from His heart, and He is your biggest fan! Not just that, but He longs to show you off to the whole world, because your beauty lights the way for others.
Once you know you're seen and loved, it's a whole lot easier for you to see those around you who have your best interest at heart. Rather than being drawn to what you think you lack, you are freed to be drawn to the true beauty others possess. And it won't be because you can't exist without them; it'll be because you simply desire to be part of their lives.
So ditch the How to Tell guides. They are about how to tell who is drawn to you physically, not on a heart level. You were made for more than that, and it will never satisfy.
No comments:
Post a Comment