Burning Hot Enough to Last

When we were little, my cousin Christa and I were inseparable. One day we were in the bathroom washing our hands, because the soap my mom had bought smelled, in my opinion, like cherries. We then decided that we were going to keep washing, because we wanted our hands to me extra clean. We reasoned that, if we washed well enough, our hands would stay clean longer. It wasn't very long before we were disappointed!

Speaking of things that last, a certain set of lyrics comes to mind. I have been thinking of the Whitney Houston song, "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" a good bit lately. I think it's because a friend was singing it the other night, and it's just been in my head. There's a line that says, "...a love that burns hot enough to last." I got to pondering what truly makes love last.

Feelings can be intense, no? You know, thinking someone is great, and feeling butterflies when they are around. It feels good. And we are tempted to think that the more of this we have, the more we are in love with a person. But try as we might, this feeling doesn't last, and it's not supposed to. But don't be disappointed.

There's actually something far more sweet and powerful than this feeling, but it takes time to develop. When I was in college, I had gotten to know this guy over years, and I really liked him. He liked me too, he eventually admitted. I had gotten over the butterflies at one point, and I kinda wanted them back! But I remember the day when the shift happened in my heart. I was sitting in my dorm room, and I thought of how the relationship with this guy was like a trusted pair of broken in jeans or a cozy tee shirt. It was easy, trustworthy, and a place in which I knew I could be myself. I decided then and there that this was the type of love I wanted for the rest of my life. It was sweeter than anything I'd experienced, and it was probably better for my blood pressure!

So how did this go from fluttery feelings to coziness? It took time. One thing he often said was that there's nothing like conflict for deepening a relationship. It was true! We had some of that :) But I came to mature through it to a place where it wasn't about being right anymore. Well, ok, sometimes it was. But I noticed a place in me that really just wanted things to be right again so we could continue to get to know each other. This place in me deepened each time he showed me that I could trust him to love me in my imperfection. He had this way where I'd entrust to him something I'd done that I wasn't proud of, and he'd usually laugh or agree with me that it wasn't good. But he'd immediately follow up with a story of his own on how he'd once made the same mistake or worse. It always put me at ease, not with the mistake itself, but with the fact that it's ok to be a work in progress.

So I settled into this strong place of love, not just with him, but in general. While things didn't work out in the end, the love he planted in my heart then has continued to broaden. It enables me to love others even more. To contrast, I actually believe having fluttery feelings with no strong base actually counters this deep love. When the person you like is on such a high pedestal that you want to show only your good attributes, it's just a counterfeit for pleasing a person. There's nothing wrong with wanting to please, but putting on an act for someone is the counterfeit to giving someone the true and beautiful you. The latter requires being able to trust that they actually appreciate the real you. If they don't appreciate you, giving them Fake You is giving them a lie and putting you in danger of being emotionally abused.

These things are made possible by first realizing that you were made by a beautiful God who loves you. Everything in the real you (your personality, the things you care about, the way you look) is purposeful! And when you appreciate these things, free of having to be validated by others, you can live in a way that pours love freely into others.

From there, you can receive others the way they are as well. You don't have to keep the butterflies buzzing forever, wanting things to burn hot enough to last. Instead, you'll build a strong and warm love that will only grow!