Wholly Kiss

Beware of relationship noise that keeps you from concentrating on what matters.

Do you remember this commercial? I encourage you to watch the 30 second clip. But if not, it's a Tide commercial in which a guy is trying to interview for a new job, but he has a stain on his shirt. No matter what the guy says, the stain talks over him. So the interviewer never actually hears what the interviewee has to say.

I've actually been thinking about this commercial lately with regard to life. Only the stain is called decorum, or more plainly, pretense. It's basically a stain that we sometimes employ to talk on our behalf in relationships. We think it's a spokesperson when it's really a STAIN! As a result, we never get around to loving wholly!

I have caught this stain hanging out in my life, speaking garbage. And the worst damage it does is to make it hard to be 100% myself in any relationship. There are so many rules about how to relate to each other. Feeling like you have to smile and be nice all the time. I'm not saying not to be nice to your friends, but if you always put on a nice face, no one will know what you need. Friends are here to support you! So be honest. You can be thoughtful and honest at the same time! And then there are the rules around dating. Call at this time. This many days is too long, and that many is too short. Then the list of things never to mention. Don't say you really want to be married, because that sounds desperate. Don't do this, don't do that.

Doesn't it make you tired? Because I'm tired just writing it. :) And at the end of the whole thing, have you been yourself? Have you walked into a relationship and just delighted in the person with the true joy that is in your heart for him or her? Have you let someone delight in the unique and beautiful creation that is you? Have you poured out your heart to someone and felt the undergirding of a friend who will walk with you through your hardships?

On the flip side, not walking in this is more than just a bummer. It's tragic. About 12 years ago, I had an incredible friend. We'd walked through thick and thin, but we hit a wall (perhaps we should have walked through thinner. :) ). We'd been in the middle of a rough spot that neither of us could figure out, so a mutual friend intervened. It got us talking again, but he refused to open up. When it all came down to it, he refused to share whatever was burdening him about our friendship. Instead, he tried to fix it himself and keep it from me. When that didn't work, he ended the friendship. Can I just tell you what that did to me? It wounded me badly. I wasn't sure what happened, and it is hard to heal from an unknown wound. Thankfully God brought amazing healing, but it took many years for me to bounce back fully from that. It even tainted further relationships. Him not wanting to burden me actually burdened numerous people he didn't even know!

When we share our burdens with our friends/family, we invite them into our lives. There's this great song that says that we need each other's pain, because it isn't love any other way (Any Other Way by Tenth Avenue North). The song is more about God inviting us to share our pain with Him, but the same goes for each other. If we aren't sharing the hard stuff, we are merely entertainment for one another, not friends/lovers/family. But to know God, to know love, and to really live real life, we need more than entertainment. There isn't one thing of worth anyone can do in life without loving (being a president whose policies help people, a doctor whose hands heal people, a business person who creates systems that solve problems, etc.). So we need to love each other.

And as we walk in freedom, we give others freedom to be themselves as well! This is JOY! I am learning this more and more, and it makes me want to do back flips! I can't do a back flip, but it would be worth it to learn JUST so I could celebrate in this way!

So no more letting the stains of decorum do the talking in our relationships. This is seriously hard, though. It's rough to be vulnerable, and that's why we hide. At lease that's why I do. But as I ask God to help, He gives me unspeakable freedom to open up! It's like the fear that has held me for so long is losing its grip in the wake of unprecedented freedom! So let's speak truth and watch each other come alive!

I'll leave you with my favorite poem of all time (Mmm. So good, I want to eat it):

since feeling is first*
ee cummings

since feeling is first
who pays attention to the syntax of things will never wholly kiss you
wholly to be a fool while spring is in the world

my blood approves and kisses are a better fate than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry--the best gesture of my brain is less
than your eyelids' flutter which says we are for each other

then laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph


and death i think is no parenthesis.


*Disclaimer: I love this because I think it's fun, and it's a delight to live in freedom from being bound by rules and superficial reasoning. True wisdom is of God and even deeper and freer than feelings-only, so I don't advocate simply living by what you feel without a thought to the weight of your actions. Enjoy. :)