When I was a teenager, I was addicted to pornography.
I never thought I would find myself having fallen so low. But sin is tricky, and it's a slow fade into bondage. It's like this dream, a recurring one, actually, in which I underestimated this tricky one-armed man. I kept asking him to help me with some work I was doing, and while I thought he was sketchy, I didn't do much to defend against him. The next thing I knew, he had me in his inescapable grip.
Anyway, I thought I was standing firm in my faith. I was into my youth group, I didn't date guys who didn't love Jesus, and I read my Bible. But deep down, I felt a chafing emptiness and didn't know who I was. I thought the way to avoid immorality was to plug my ears to anything compromising.
Then one day, I was on my way home from youth camp. A girl on the bus had a Cosmo magazine, and she asked people if they wanted to see it. I did. I liked fashion magazines although I was aware of their risks (I wasn't allowed to read Seventeen and the like, so I tried to be careful), I really thought I was too strong to fall. As I read, my curiosity got the better of me. I read about things I didn't understand, and I wanted to know more.
So I went online when I got home. At first I only looked at Cosmo and Glamour, because I didn't want to see or read anything hardcore. Besides the fact that it made me uncomfortable, I didn't want the shame of anyone in my family finding out what I was looking at.
But at last, my thirst for excitement, my thirst to feel wanted, and my longing to read about people who had the same twisted lusts that I did, took me down a path I didn't want. Before I knew it, I went on porn sites all the time. At the first few, I would tell myself I was not a godly girl, but a slut. It was the only way I could justify what I was doing, because something deep inside me knew that it was unfitting for a young woman of God to do what I was doing. I figured it would blow over shortly.
It didn't. While I limited my intake of it via computer, I found other ways. Watching MTV, reading trashy novels. It lasted off and on until the middle of my college career when God simply brought me out and began to show me how deeply He loved me.
But the daggers and infectious wounds it left on my soul ran far deeper and took a whole lot longer to heal. The deep ways it told me that as a woman, my ultimate worth came from how men view me. It told me that men are only important and relevant to me so far as they would make a suitable mate. It told me that a man's attention to me must be because I am attractive, because why else would a guy want me around? I don't believe it takes a pornography addiction for us to believe those lies. A diet of movies and TV does that well enough. But still, these lies left me so far from the beautiful treasure of a woman God created me to be. Someone with a heart like God's; beautiful like Him, artistic like Him, and someone with so much to offer.
But just when I thought the only way out was to muster my waning strength, God came in! At first, I didn't even realize what He was up to. Supernaturally instilling in me that my body is precious and not shameful. Telling me that I am worth so much to Him, and that He longs to adore me. Not once did He condemn or even scold me for those past things of which I had become ashamed. He just healed. Just wooed me back. No questions asked. His healing brought me wholeness and an ability to see myself and to see men in a way that is honorable. This caused me to want to come to Him and repent of my sin because I longed to be with Him!
I'm not out of the woods yet, though. There's still a lot of brokenness as to my identity and how I relate to my brothers. But God's not done yet, either. Where sin abounds, grace abounds much more. In other words, in the places where we struggle the most, God is giving us the most help and the most understanding in our failings. The Bible says this, so we can hold to it as true.
No matter what kind of addiction you are in or what you have done with your body, please here this message loud and clear. God wants you back, and He can heal you. I understand feeling like you are morally going south on a greased poll. But believe me. He is able. He does it somehow; I really don't understand. But He sets people's feet on a rock and chases away anything that would try to drag you back. Whatever you do, don't run from Him. He loves you SO much. Just trust Him.
No comments:
Post a Comment