To Err: Human. To Forgive: Maybe Not What You Think

I was watching a movie the other night, and the way it described forgiveness disturbed me. The basic plot went like this. A guy and a girl, high school sweethearts, went off to college with hopes of one day getting married. Later on in their college career, he decided he would come home during break to surprise her with a ring. 

But he's the one who got the surprise. He came home only to find that she had been cheating on him with his best friend. Hurt and humiliated, he distanced himself and had a hard time moving on emotionally. Years later, he moved back to his home town. He learned through his best friend's sister, still a close friend of his, that the couple got married and was expecting their first baby.

He saw his former friends who greeted him cheerfully as if nothing bad had ever happened between them. When he didn't return the sentiment, he was told by family and friends that he was being unforgiving. He must let the past go, they claimed, because too many years had gone by. 

I turned it off before it ended, but I'll assume that in the end he pretends, just like his peers, that nothing bad ever happened.

Now here's my problem with the lesson of this movie: What they are teaching is not real forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't make believe; it's reality. It's a different reality than just allowing our emotions to run away with us, but it's a higher reality and not a lower one. To have to pretend that no hurt existed is to reduce yourself to a subhuman entity with no feelings. But we do have feelings. God made us that way, and the way we feel matters to Him.

So what would real forgiveness have looked like in the case of this movie? Honesty on everyone's part. The couple who cheated never recognized how horribly wrong their actions were. If they called themselves real friends, they should have owned their mistakes. They should have come to the lead character and apologized. Then they should have discussed how they could earn back their friend's trust, which rightfully didn't exist anymore.

At this, our protagonist had a choice to make. This is where the forgiveness piece comes in. He could have chosen to make his friends pay for hurting him by remaining bitter. Or he could have recognized that God could wash away his pain and fix the brokenness between he and his friends. If he chose the latter, he would have been choosing forgiveness. Genuine forgiveness means apology from the offender, restoration (gaining back trust), and letting go of judgment towards the offending party.

This is really good news! You don't have to throw away your emotions to be healthy; quite the opposite. Forgiveness is this miraculous power to shatter the effect of sin on our most precious relationships. Sin separates people, but the gift of forgiveness restores. It can even bring people to a new level of intimacy because it requires honesty and vulnerability on both parts. When we know that we are safe in God's love, we are able to own our mistakes and discuss with loved ones how not to perpetuate unhealthy behaviors towards them. 

If you've struggled with forgiveness, let this good news wash over you. God will never violate your heart or decide that someone else's feelings matter more than yours. Drink in this reality, apply it to your relationships, and watch relational obstacles move!