All is NOT Fair in Love and War

"To love, you walk on water. Just don't stumble on the waves! We all wanna go there somethin' awful, but to stand there it takes some grace."

-Rich Mullins

Freshman year of college, I met "Joe." He was one of the leaders in our campus ministry, and he seemed to be a good guy.

While I found him to be physically attractive when we first met, I didn't take any special interest in him until our 2nd semester when he began showing signs of attraction to me. One day while a bunch of us were out to dinner, one of my friends brought up an outing the group had taken during the Fall. She asked me if I was there. "No, she wasn't," he said, before I could respond. Then he smiled at me, as if to show me that he noticed I wasn't there that night. It had been a big group, and I didn't even know he knew who I was back then.

Our friendship began to grow closer. He had a car, and I didn't, so I rode with him a lot on off-campus outings. We kept in touch during school breaks, and I found myself thinking about him a lot. During sophomore year, I returned fully expectant that we'd get together. Not only did we not get together, but the mixed and confusing signals from him were like ice water down my back! I left that year in need of some deep heart healing and mindset realigning.

Thankfully, I spent a beautiful summer in sunny California, learning the love and acceptance of Jesus! I went on a Summer Project (a mission trip designed to train college students in ministry), worked at an amusement park on the beach, and met some of the coolest people in the world! I remember one night when most of the project students went to a dreaded big group dinner, about 6 of us went off on our own. I didn't like social events with huge groups, because I didn't feel I could cultivate deep conversation. I wasn't big on small talk back then. But this group was full of my peeps! We all wanted to get to know each other in deep ways, and we went walking around downtown Santa Cruz in an artsy area afterwards. The friendships formed that summer did so much to heal my heart and help me see that the real me is acceptable!

I returned for my 3rd year, the time period on which I will focus, with greater clarity. We were still friends, but I didn't want a repeat episode of sophomore year's devastation. I felt more powerful that year, though, than I had sophomore year. I knew that Joe and I were peers, and that he was not my judge and jury.

Anyway, I decided to be ok taking it one day at a time. I met and hung out with other guys and just enjoyed living my life. Joe was no longer a student, but we were still friends at church. A strange cycle began, though. I would figuratively let my hair down and decide to just treat him as a brother. But my being myself was apparently too much for him, and he would say so. So I would put distance between us and leave it at that. Then he would say, "Why are you distancing yourself? I appreciate our friendship and want us to be closer!"

I became frustrated and just wasn't sure what I should do! I didn't want to lose him, but I wasn't sure how to keep things copacetic! We got to a point where I was so frustrated that I told him I didn't think we should be friends. He became very distraught, and we didn't speak to each other for about a month. By the time a degree of reconciliation came, we were both worn out and wounded. I'll never forget the evening we had our final Jr. year conversation on the quad. He told me he couldn't be much of a friend to me because of what had happened. I so wanted another chance, but there was much resistance. I finally ended the conversation by saying that when he was ready to move forward, he knew where to find me.

I returned to my room, but I was so stressed that I immediately turned around and went back outside. I literally had trouble breathing. I felt like the walls were closing in around me and that I was suffocating. In truth, I was being overcome by fear. I felt rejected, and I felt like my actions had made it so I was without love and without hope. Not exactly how I wanted to start my adventurour summer of visiting Argentina and ministering to students, but I felt I had no choice.

As that year wrapped up, though, God showed me something that would forever change how I related to the men in my life. See, my first impulse after all of our problems that year was to count my losses and move on. Do-over, but with someone else. But God began to speak gently and lovingly to my heart. He told me not to forsake my friend, and that this situation was not over yet. I initially thought He meant that this man and I would get back together.

But what God was really doing was speaking against my normal romantic MO: throw people away when things don't work out. Break up. Make someone an "ex." But the truth is that Joe and I are family. You can't break up with family without breaking the heart of your Father who loves you both. You continue to love each other as brothers and sisters, you forgive, and you work out your differences. The Bible says that you live at peace with one another as long as it depends on you. It says to seek peace and pursue it. In other words, there's no passivity when it comes to making sure to love people well and to work out any kinks!

This is so different from what we learn about romance. We learn that we are there to get, and when it doesn't work, we strike that person off our list. When we run into them, things are supposed to be uncomfortable or awkward like in romantic comedies. But this is from a society that hasn't experienced the pure and perfect love of Father God. There is a foundational love way greater than fluttery feelings, and that is what must undergird all of our human interaction. So when a romance we're pursuing shows itself to be the wrong thing for both of us, we are still able to love each other as people. If we can't, then we do what we need to do to fix it.

So in reality, all is NOT fair in love and war. If you wouldn't shut out your family or close friends for hurting your feelings, why do that to someone you claimed to love intimately? Love suffers long and is kind, and it lets God heal from the inside out.

Do you have former romances where there's still brokenness? Think of that person and imagine how you'd react if they just walked into the room. Is there anger, bitterness, or fear? If so, I want to encourage you to take it to God and let Him tell you what needs to happen. Do you need to forgive the other person, or yourself? Do you need to go back and apologize? If so, do. Don't worry about shame. You may be misunderstood; I've been there. Many people still don't believe that I desired healing with Joe, and they would say things like, "You need to just get over him." We are so ingrained in the lies that we can't understand that there is such a thing as love that's not self-seeking. Regardless, love is powerful. So reach out anyway. You never know what kind of restoration will come if you do.

I'll leave you with a story that helped give me hope to pursue this:

A friend of mine named Natalie* shared this at a Bible study years back. She said that when she was a teenager, a guy she knew got her drunk and date raped her. Naturally, she carried around a great deal of brokenness from the abuse. Years later, she received an unexpected email. It was the same guy, writing her to apologize. He wanted her to know he was not proud of what he had done, and he asked her forgiveness. His gesture of love and humility ushered in great healing for both parties. When we're humble and willing to treat the opposite sex as human and not just objects of gratification, God will do miracles in our hearts!