A little while back, I met this really cool guy. We were buddies, and that was fun. As we got to know each other, I became rather enthralled by him. I wasn't so sure the feeling was mutual, but I wanted to guard our friendship against my withdrawing because of something potentially unrequited. So I got things out into the open by telling him how I felt. He told me that it had crossed his mind as well, but that he was interested in someone else.
This was one of the best and most encouraging things I've ever heard! Let me explain.
If you'd spoken to me a couple of years before this, I would not have felt that way. But this was a special season, and I knew it was being used to free me from a broken mindset!
See, we've been groomed from childhood to believe that the highest appreciation a man can give a woman is to desire her romantically. This lesson comes in the obvious ways, of course. Media often implies that women exist to provide sexual gratification. Teen magazines bring everything back to being datable, even if they start out with something as unrelated as the kind of car you drive. And there's the repeated movie plot about the woman who laments over always being the Friend of Guys and never the Datable One, only to discover that her guy "friend" is in love with her.
But sometimes this even comes from unexpected sources. It may be well meaning mentors, or maybe spiritual leaders who are under the same delusion. I once told a dear mentor about a guy in college with whom I'd had some huge dating conflict. She told me it would be best if we either got back together or never spoke again. She didn't realize that, beyond our romantic connection, we were both human beings. We needed to work out conflict for the sake of relationship and peace, not for the potential romance we may have gained from it.
Now this isn't to say romance is bad; quite the contrary. It's nice to be appreciated this way, and it has great purpose. But this is only one of many important things about us as women, not the sum of our self worth. There's actually a sneaky and demeaning lie undergirding this whole ideology of Romance First. If the highest compliment someone can give me is romantic or sexual, it actually implies that the most important thing about me is my sexuality!
But we are so much more than that!
There are so many things about us as women that are rarely extolled, even by our own voices. Do we desire to make known our character, our sense of humor, our intelligence or the way we love others? What about our sense of humor, leadership, gentleness, administrative prowess, or unique viewpoint (even if we disagree with others)? What about our one-of-a-kind traits we're told are not "sexy"? What if these things are the missing pieces to solve major societal problems?
We may even like when people notice these things, but specifically, do we care as much about giving these traits to the men around us if there's no romantic potential? After all, we get to share our lives with our male peers not simply as dating/marriage prospectives, but as human beings who bring life, justice, leadership, purity, and impact to their worlds. We are irreplaceable, and it's not only romantic connection that should give us a voice with them.
So as for my guy friend, I really began to learn that his appreciating me as a person was so sweet! He wasn't saying, "I reject romance and, therefore, reject you." This set me free to realize on a subconscious level that there's more to me. He did this by taking time explaining to me what he appreciated about me, and how my life encouraged him. It was amazing! I could physically feel my heart being restored, and I knew the driving force behind this was divine healing. I was pulled from a place of Romance as Pinnacle Recognition to a place of confidence as a whole person. Now I am able to offer my true self to all sorts of people, male or female, with the confidence that I bring powerful things to the table.
You have a wealth of beauty in you, and you will be blessed as you begin to step out in it. Enjoy!
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