Do you ever think deeply about the messages on your clothes? I was thinking today about t-shirts and what is sometimes written across them (hot, fierce, sexy, etc.), and it got me thinking about the language of female beauty in our society. Whether on a shirt, in a magazine, or in our everyday vocabulary, I began to consider what this does to our perception of who we are and how we relate to men.
Several years ago, a guy friend say I was a "sexy bitch." I took it as a compliment. He thought I was attractive! Great. Who doesn't want to be attractive? But as the years wore on and I heard different men make comments about women and beauty, I started to change my mind.
One night when I was in college, I was at a party. I heard some guys from my dorm talking about their evening plans. They had just come from getting drunk, and one of them said, "All we need now is some girls." Basically, they were saying that the perfect thing to top off their evening of self gratification was some girls willing to be used in further self-gratification. Suddenly, the idea of wanting guys to think I was "sexy" wasn't so appealing. It wasn't that I didn't still want to be thought attractive; it's that I wanted more than that. I wanted to be appreciated as a whole person, physical beauty as well as internal beauty. And I wasn't interested in being treated as an inanimate tool for someone's self-centered enjoyment.
Soon after this, God continued His massive heart transplant by many years of showing me how precious I am to Him. He gave me good men in my life who were attracted to the deeper places of my heart. It often took me by surprise, because all the lists of How to Tell If He's Interested didn't apply to these guys. These guys didn't ogle me, stand way closer than necessary, call me all the time or find excuses to touch me. They listened to me, applied the ideas I gave them, openly admired and appreciated my accomplishments, and complimented my beauty in ways that didn't dehumanize.
What's more is that God started helping me see the guys around me not as people from whom I needed approval, but as people whose lives I could enrich! I got to interact with men who were like older brothers, younger brothers, dads, and even grandfathers to me. It helped me to value male relationships and not look at any male peer as either a potential date or someone with whom I couldn't invest deeply. The latter sounds like a weird way to conduct male friendships, but think about it. How often do you become close friends with men who are married? Or how much do you really invest in guy friends aside from asking their dating advice? If we come away from the mentality that men are just for dating, or that we are merely for dating, we'll get to enjoy the fullness of love that comes from all different kinds of relationships!
Friend, that kind of love gets our heads out of the lie that we are here to be hot. As a woman, wouldn't you rather be called any of the following: beautiful, dignified, precious, radiant, wise, trustworthy, caring, peaceful, safe, or understanding? What if the men in your life knew they could come to you knowing your heart would be a strong safe haven for them? What if they could know that, whether they had a great day and wanted to celebrate with someone, or they had an awful day and needed to talk to someone who wouldn't judge them, they could count on you?
So be mindful that you don't aspire to embody the adjectives some people try to put on you. You don't have to be hot or sexy to men, because your radiance is bright enough. And don't worry if, like me, you've at some point allowed this rhetoric to influence how you conduct your relationships. God can transform you so that getting rid of what is put on you is as simple as taking off a t-shirt. He's SO good! Just ask Him to show you! Be blessed!
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