Beautiful, Not Hot

When I was a teenager growing up in the fast paced glitziness of Miami, I had many opportunities to respond to guys and their advances. I remember walking home with my friends from middle school and having guys honk and yell. I used to actually think it was a compliment when I was 13!

When I think back to those early years, I ask myself what my goal was for romantic relationships. Why did I want guys to respond to me in that way? Mainly, I wanted to be wanted. We all do. But back then, I didn't realize that there are different types of desire. Some people want you because they are trying to fill an enormous void in their lives. Maybe they are lonely, and they think a wife or girlfriend is just the solution. Maybe they are lustful and want you just so you can satisfy their physical needs.

Sometimes these broken desires are not even obvious. For instance, in Francine Rivers' novel The Atonement Child, main character Dina is engaged to a young man whose life is bent on being a recognized and famous pastor. Upon their first time meeting when she visits the Christian college he attends, he tells her that God wants her to go to that school. She questions why God would tell him and not her if that were true, but she dismisses it. Not to give away the story, he eventually proves to be a young man who prioritizes the appearance of his life and relationships, dismissing Dinah when she suddenly doesn't make him look good anymore.

It may seem discouraging to think that we can't tell when someone has strange motives towards us, but I guarantee you that God is a good Daddy who protects His daughters! He will always give you the discernment you need. And even if there are things you can't see, He'll reveal it. Once I met a guy I liked, who seemed pretty great. Not long after I met him, God gave me a dream in which he explained the situation. Let's call the guy Jazz. :) I was walking in the park with a friend when Jazz walked by in the opposite direction. We smiled at each other, and my friend said "Stacey likes Jazz, and he likes her as well!" In the next scene, we were in a river trying to save a drowning man. Jazz said, "On 3!" So on 3, I went to pull the man out of the water while Jazz went to push him under. The dream meant that the 2 of us were going in opposite directions in life, and we wouldn't have made a good match!

But there are some good ways of seeing things for what they are. Our sex saturated culture tells guys a lot of garbage about women, so it isn't surprising that they often believe dishonoring things about us. But here are a few ways you can tell when someone isn't ready to be partner to you in the free, dignified, beautiful life God has for you:

-Asks you a lot about yourself, but isn't willing to be the first to be vulnerable with you.
-Wants you in his life for the purpose of moving his goals forward, forgetting that you have a God given calling as well.
-Seems more concerned with your looks and sexuality than the elegant and dignified woman you are (i.e. you have to look a certain way to be seen with him). If he has trouble not staring at your chest or constantly looking you up and down, something isn't right.
-Is willing to embarrass you around his friends if it makes him look good (telling jokes at your expense, needing to prove himself right, etc.)
-Is ok with demanding a lot of time and emotional commitment from you but is unwilling to pursue you/commit to you.
-Is possessive and isolates you, or is insecure about anyone else in your life who is close to you (your family, close friends, etc.)
-He jokes about love being a game to play (saying the right things to appease you, trying not to be in the doghouse, etc.). It has an appearance of humor, but it may indicate a lack of maturity around knowing how to love someone in truth and honor.
-Dismisses, demeans or misunderstands the things that matter to you
-If his life goals and your life goals are vastly different. Romantic love isn't a goal in itself (think RomComs :) ), but it's partnering with someone to do life together!

Not exhaustive, but some good things to chew on.

God made an amazing thing when He made romance for you. Explore it with Him and let Him reveal His loving plans for your love life!

I'll leave you with this quote I saw years ago that still delights me:

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat...Wait for the [man] who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you are just as pretty without makeup. The one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you."